For the first time and forever

Assalamualaikum
Greetings

From my last post to this, i never expect my life to turn almost 180° (thank god it is not 360° which is marrying to someone)

I get a new job
But not in the way i planned

I am a very complicated person especially to myself. If i hate unresponsible person act recklessly then me myself will never forgive myself if i am the one who become recklessly unresponsible.

I leave my job in a hard way. Part of me say yeay,finally but most of it dislike it very much. I hate myself for hurting the people that i care and be unresponsible person.

It is like the woman character in malay drama who force to leave a guy because of the unexpected situation. And the woman still love the man eventhough they fight almost everyday

Pftt what a drama.
Anyway today reminds me of the term of 'first day' that i hate it so much since i barely remember. There is always first time for everything and let me recap the first time event in my life that consider disaster

1. First time in kindergarten
I start kindergarten at the age of 5 at a religion kindergarten. So my classmate are mostly one year older than me. F***, i was so nervous that i cry so much watching my dad outside through the window. Oh bonus, on the second day he decide to let me ride on school van but i decline to get out from the van once it arrived an front of my house. So the driver (whereever he is i thank you) took me to my father workplace and since that day my father send and take me home from school. Badass daughter

2. First day of primary school

I excel with flying colours during my kindergarten at 6 years old. Because i used to it. But f*** i cant resist the nervousness of getting into primary one like every kids do. Some pee or poo in their uniform and me...i just make my lunch box spill out and sit on it to hide it. Yes,fool act.
So at the first day, i had dye my white uniform with the blackness of soy bean sauce and thank god it can be clean (but not so perfectly white).

3. First time of taking big exam_ UPSR,PMR, SPM
Almost in all of the exam i had bad fever and flue

4. First time driving
I feel like getting married. Seriously. So i i flunked on the first attempt that i had to repeat my jpj test. Maybe i am too nervous to 'get married'.

5. First day in university
I got stomachache, i starve myself and crying in the bathroom. Yes, totally mommy girl who never been seperate from family.

6. First day doing internship
Awkward!! Thank god i get along with 8 more internship student who are superb crazy but nice.

There are much more first time but most of decent first time usually when I am facing it with someone I knew. Like first time attending silat's tournament.

So yeah. there is always first time for everything. i remember one advice from Dr Fatin Liyana in one of her books (Diagnosis series). She said being a beginner like practical doctor, we have to accept all the unusual feeling in order to learn. We have to think all the mistreated, the scolding, the nervousness, the mistakes that we done (doing something new) is the basis of learning process. No one become perfect in one or two days, so just bear with it. We are new, so it is okay to make mistake but it is wrong to never be responsible over it.

Dear myself...just do it la. Pray to Allah s.w.t to give you taufiq and hidayat in this pitch black world.

Adios