the confession

 i had a dream yesterday

a bad dream

about how i am affected by covid 19

and everyone around me just walk away

and me myself try to avoid everyone

it is not really a physical pain that i feel

but rather an emotional destruction

because in reality, the fact is

my friend is suspected to be infected

my friend

my friend

she is like the sunshine that come in my gloomy cloudy life

her smile, her laughter, her jokes, her thoughtfulness

i dont even realize when she become part of my life

to be specify, my university life

she always there

and yes, we argue a lot too

sometimes i just have no mood to get along with her jokes

and bickering all her fussiness about money & food

sometimes, i just avoiding her just so i can be with myself

in my own quite depressing life

but as time goes by

and we part in our own path

we realise how actually our relationship have been mature

we dont need to text each other but always know that we got each other back

despite her smiling face, she suffer from a sickness due to stress

that make her quit her job

then she go to rehab (pondok), learning to live in calmness with Allah's words (Quran) 

after that Allah took her father's life in a split second due to heart attack

leave her with the responsibilities to take full care of her mom

they migrate to their hometown, as to find peacefulness and gaining back strength

she do all sort of job she can think of, but still not neglecting to spend time with her mom

she independent single woman, with a really calm life

and the covid strike, take her brother in captive

sooner or later her family might also be diagnosed with the same disease

she tell me this as we are chatting about movie

she say she not telling many people including her other family

because she dont want them to freak out

today, 21 january 2021, she going for a swab test

and maybe tomorrow they would know the result

i cant sleep tight thinking about this matter

she so nice and bright, why put her on the brick of death

it is me who should...'go'

me that no one ever care

me who this morning are being insulted by her own father for having a fever

like i am some kind of overreacting human

i should told him actually it is not my physical that sick

it is my emotion and mental taht is in pain

as i cherish a friendship more than a daughter father relationship

and somehow, the old pain strike me out

i want to be alone

i want to left

i want to stop faking my life

it just.............fatieha deserve a life more than me

whoever who read this, please pray for her.